redzils: (Default)
Little things are making me twitchy.

The dogs are being noisy and continue to crowd around and breathe on me.  This makes me want to tie their tails in knots.

The sound of raindrops hitting the skylights is getting on my nerves.

My outgoing mail server wont accept my login, so I cant send email (Dave:  please call me when you get off work) 

These are all little, silly things but today they are getting to me for some reason.  Perhaps that giant life transition looming on the horizon (plus the no-sleep thing) is taking up a little space in my brain.
redzils: (Default)
I am typing this sitting cross-legged on my kitchen floor, eating cold leftover Chinese food with my fingers. My back rests where a table used to reside, and the silverware I should be using is more like silver?where?

I am packed.

I have about an hour of house wrap up to do tomorrow - rolling up my airbed, cleaning the bathroom, etc. I am glad I decided to have an official cleaning person come in. Washing walls and mopping floors is more than I could handle right now.

In the morning I will mow the lawn, sprinkle grass seed, and tighten the roof rack on my car (I need an engineer, but since none are likely to be wandering by I will have to rely on Dr. Google for directions). Then I will pack, go to Goodwill, go to storage, and hit the open road - hopefully by 9 am. The promise of missing rush hour traffic on the Beltway is very motivating.

My life is cyclical, and always in transition. Still, this is a big change. I was going through my desk and found a driver's license photo that was taken literally the day before I first came to visit the program I am now enrolled in. I was a week shy of turning 21, and looking at my sweet, hopeful face makes me feel miles away from myself.

That girl moved here with a man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She believed that she was going to do great good things, and speed through the obstacles of a PhD. She bought a house for them to live in, and bounced gleefully about over her prestigous assistantship. She painted walls red and blue and yellow and hung pictures of Einstein and old book covers.

Now, three years later I have taken Einstein down and given my plants away. I am selling the house because I dont need the weight of sole responsibility. I have some friends here and have been learning a lot, but it is not the life I imagined.

Selling the house and moving Elsewhere is a huge transition, but right. I am simplifying and hunkering close to my kindred spirits. And the house will, hopefully, go to people who have the energy and cash to love it better than I have. It's been good for me - I am stronger for having had these last years, but it is time for new challenges and a new focus.

I will likely not be posting for a few days, folks, as I travel. Wish me well.

In motion.

May. 3rd, 2006 09:06 pm
redzils: (Default)
Okay, I have pulled up the window to post about ten times today, and cant seem to find it in me to type.

It keeps "Restoring saved draft[s]" which have one meager line.

My movers came today. I am totally the person you want organizing your next move. In an hour and a half they:
- loaded everything I wanted to store (went in first) followed by everything going to the thrift store
- dropped off a huge load of thrift store stuff
- unpacked all the storage stuff into my storage unit
- and went on their merry way

Best $150 I have spent in a while.

I came home and swept up the drifts of dust and dog fur, and pushed my roommates' stuff around to make the living room look bigger (all their stuff was really close to the door). I also lugged the kitchen table into my office and set up my computer. The table and my desk chair are literally the only furniture left belonging to me. My roommates have a large squishy armchair, two directors chairs, a shelf unit, and coffee table in the living room, and their bedroom stuff.

I have a (clean) garbage bag of clean laundry on my bedroom floor. I was really flummoxed as to what to do with it since my dresser was already unloaded into my two laundry baskets, and there was not a single clean surface in the house (well, except my desk chair, and it already had a bag of groceries and one load of laundry wedged in to it).

On my way to the dog park I dropped another load of stuff at the storage unit. It is getting pretty empty around here.

The house echoes strangely when I talk.

Anita and I walked and talked, then I did the dog handoff when I passed Greg on the dog park road (I rolled down my window and said, hey, you want a dog? he looked confused, but rolled with it).

Dance class was wonderful. As always.

In our sharing time at the beginning of class I let them know I was moving, and a little of the backstory. They are the only group of adults I know to whom I was easily, without thinking, able to say, "The universe is telling me to move, so I am moving" and know they wouldn't join KM in watching for a psychotic break.

Fantastic Jen and I also talked a little bit about "welcoming disturbances" and how I am not simply moving away from the problems, I am also trying to move towards something better by living with kindred spirits rather than people (like my current roommates) who I can never truly communicate with since we have such different views of the world and what matters.

Before this conversation, she suggested that I contact her Heather who is roommate hunting. I had emailed that Heather and not heard back; apparently her computer is in the shop. So I called and left her a message and she just called me back.

I am going to introduce the dogs and look at the room on Monday night, and I think living there would be peaceful and quiet and wonderful. Just getting to hang out with her and Jen is probably worth the rent money. She is looking for two roommates, which is fine with me, and I think it has great possibilities. Probably no good office space for me, but maybe we could find a spot for a small desk, or I could just get used to working at the kitchen table.

I had been feeling disappointed that the other girl's whose place I looked at were not returning my emails. Now I feel like, okay, maybe that wasn't meant to be so that this could happen. I am not really a signs kind of person, but this is all feeling pretty right.

I am tired. And I have a lot of school left to do and a few more hours of moving, but it is going to be okay. I am not really even stressing about it, just plodding though. For me - fretter-extrordinaire, homebody, and control freak - this is a Class B miracle.

I have to be at the airport in R (half an hour away) in literally eight hours, so I need to focus on collecting the information I need to work on my paper while in transit, printing rubrics to grade the 28 papers I am hauling along, and packing. It's going to be a weird trip, but hopefully a good one. I will get into my weirdness about this conference later, but in the meantime, duty calls. Time to go dump my garbage bag of clothes onto my air mattress and pack.

Bonus line for today: Talking to my mother, rather than saying, "I am moving" I said, "I am in motion." It was probably a symptom of my sleep deprivation, but it also captures this all so perfectly. I am in motion.
redzils: (Default)
I am taking the whole "not sleeping" thing as a sign that I am a wee bit stressed about moving. I spent some time thinking about it, and decided the most anxiety producing part is the furniture, since I have no way to move it alone and no friends with big vehicles and lots of spare time to rely on. So, I pulled out the yellow pages and (taking the brilliant AND beautiful Heather's advice) called movers.

On Wednesday afternoon I am getting two guy and one truck for two hours, for $150. If I need them longer, I keep them longer, at $75/hr. Hopefully I wont need them beyond that two hours, but it is worth it to get all the big stuff I cant handle alone taken care of before I leave for Dallas, so I can focus on grading, finishing my paper, and packing the small stuff when I get back.

What am I going to have them move?
- kitchen table
- two tables from office
- three tall bookcases
- two short bookcases
- two large filing cabinets
- one small filing cabinet
- bed
- dresser
- bedside table

Space / time permitting I will also get them to move:
- the patio set (table & two chairs)
- two wicker chairs
- office chair
- any packed boxes I have lying around
- the big totes from the basement

It feels good to know those things will be taken care of, even if it means I will be sleeping on an air mattress and sitting on the floor a lot when I get back from Dallas. Also, I have to have the bookshelves / cabinets / and dresser drawers empty by then. Oh well, it's good to be busy.

In the meantime, I am off to rent my storage unit . . .
redzils: (Default)
I layed down for an hour, and tried to soothe myself to sleep by repeating "It will all work out okay. It is going to be okay. It is going to work out okay," over and over again.

Obviously the chanting didn't work that well, since it is 2:24 am and I am sitting at my computer in my bathrobe trying to read blogs and be distracted from my life.

Tomorrow I will start hauling stuff to storage, which will help. I may even arrange to have the thrift store people come sooner, since I need to see discernable progress to keep from freaking out.

As for the paper, well, meh. I emailed John to clarify the length I should be shooting for, and he refuses to commit to anything but "write the paper so it is complete, rather than worrying about length. The length is what it is." I find that to be absolutely useless advice and it makes me feel like avoiding the whole damn thing. That would work, except the paper is 50% of my grade in that class. Oops.

I am going to work on it for twenty minutes now, then go to bed. I have to be up in less than five hours . . .
redzils: (Default)
Okay I managed the shower and getting dressed, but the dog walk was postponed. We are meeting Anita at the dogpark later, to walk and talk. It's way nicer when Kiska can be a free dog, and I dont have to manage the leash.

I spent probably an hour in the basement, figuring out what I need to pack, what goes to charity, and what is garbage. There is actually a fair amount for the thrift store (I left it down there, to be hauled off one backseat at a time), not too much to pack, and lots of garbage to dispose of (packing materials, etc). I hauled all the garbage up - I am hoping that the trash fairies take pity on me and haul it off, even though it is a bit over my weekly quota. They might, since usually I am a one bag/week girl. If not, I can take it to the dump on Tuesday afternoon.

I heard back on the doghouse I freecycled, and decided to donate it to the Dalmatian Rescue (second email I received). I am having to resist the temptation to post lots of other things on freecycle, since it is so! much! fun! to have people come haul off things I didn't want / use anyways. I want to make sure to maximize my thrift store donation tax deduction though (up to $500, I hear) so am not posting anything else just yet.

I sent my prof a couple emails with pertinent questions on the MA and have a plan for the paper. I am writing it as a conference submission (which the syllabus hints at) which means it can only be 3500 words, which feels doable. I am at around 2500 very disjointed words, so my current focus is on smoothing it out and deepening the information provided. I can't get too invested in the analyses / results section though, until I can redo the numbers using the correct program.

Busy Brain

Apr. 30th, 2006 01:37 am
redzils: (Default)
I went to bed an hour or two ago, but couldn't sleep. I have cleverly (self-mockingly) diagnosed myself with a case of "busy brain."

This is what you get when you decide to sell your house and move within two weeks, around the normal end of semester craziness (grading everything in sight, exam creation, final projects), data analysis associated with your thesis, packing to move to a completely different life some 3000+ miles away, and a four day trip to Dallas.

I got up and packed two boxes of books (I am now out of boxes to pack, unless I decide to make a witching hour trip to the box stash in the carport). And partially packed another two totes. And I am thinking about a mug of sleepytime tea and some exam writing (the test itself, not my response to one). I'd rather be sleeping, but that seems unlikely, just now.

[Even as I write this entry I have hopped up about four times, to pack a tote with my sewing machine and crafting stuff, collect some more fragile decorative stuff (all with great sentimental value) for the hard to pack box, fling a few things into the thrift store box, and generally bewilder the dog].

The bad news: I am out of Nyquil.

My current plan is to putz awhile and then try to sleep. I can't take anything anywhere tomorrow (storage place and thrift stores are both closed on Sundays), so don't need to get too carried away. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I will haul carloads to both places, and then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday I will be in Dallas. I am planning to have the exam created and in the copy queue before I leave, and to grade the research papers en route. I just need to make sure to finish my MA paper, so when I get back I can spend Monday through Friday grading exams, MOVING, and packing for AK.

I had been under the impression that thinking it through like that would make me feel better, because that sort of exhaustive listing usually does. Unfortunately, this time, I was wrong . . .
redzils: (Default)
I am still having trouble with the meta-analysis program.

Fortunately I had an excel file set up to do the appropriate calculations (homework from earlier in the course), and was able to plug my numbers in there. The results from it are useful, and I was able to do one interesting moderator search to partition variance.

I am putting those results into my presentation, and transferring my attention tomorrow to my paper. Hopefully John will get my query emails and send some troubleshooting advice by email, but in the meantime I will be able to go on, knowing that my presentation Tuesday can go on, either way.

I also packed one box. The packing seems sad. I need to get my storage unit lined up, so I can start hauling stuff there - I dont want to live amidst heaps of boxes any more than I have to.


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